Purdue is my sworn enemy. Not only was I raised to root for the Hoosiers, I was raised to despise the Boilermakers. I shudder at the mention of black and gold. I cringe at the names of “Drew Brees” and “Kyle Orton.” I have vomited at the mention of “Brian Cardinal” on several occasions. I laugh at the sight of Gene Keady. To put it simply, Puck Furdue. Honestly, what do they have going for them? Not much, that’s for sure. I don’t think I could ever make a complete list explaining why I hate Purdue, but it never hurts to start one. Here goes:
(2) They may have the ugliest campus in the Big Ten: It’s not that their home field is intimidating, it’s that no one wants to go to West Lafayette. Honestly, were the creative juices so nonexistent that a square was the best idea for campus you could come up with? Plus, West Lafayette just stinks. I don’t care if that’s the result of a dog food factory or whatever you want to claim causes that smell, it’s awful. Search for “West Lafayette stinks” in Google and you will come up with 34,100 results. Apparently I’m not the only one who noticed.
(3) Your basketball team sucks: I don’t care what lame argument you bring up. You can tell me you have more Big Ten championships than anyone else (one more than IU). You can tell me that Gene Keady was a great coach. You can tell me that you lead the all-time rivalry series. But I’ve got a couple things to say. Firstly, you only lead the all-time series because of the way you manhandled us early in the series. You beat us 51 of the first 62 games. Congrats, you got the ball into what was still a peach basket more than we did. Secondly, how many national championships do you have? Oh, just one from before the NCAA tournament existed? Maybe we’ll lend you one of our five banners if you want to see what it feels like.
(4) Your cheers are lame: Really, “Boiler-Up” is dumb. And annoying. Check out the definition at UrbanDictionary.com: “Taking a fat, hot steamy dump”. I mean, if you really have to do that 1643 times in a game, you’ve got problems.
To end this little list, I will use the words of a fellow Boiler-Hater, a blogger from Notre Dame. I had to do a little censoring, but I’m sure you can figure out what would actually take the place of the little asterisks:
“F*ck Purdue. And their cartoony mascot, Purdue Pete. And that cardboard choo-choo they roll around the stadium. F*ck the baton twirlers. Even the gold one. And the black one. And the silver twins. They can take that tiny little "World's Largest Drum" and shove it up their pansy asses. If I wanted a carnival atmosphere, I'd go to Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus, not a college football game. Wake up, Purdue the rest of the world is laughing at you.”
Strong words, but the truth can be very harsh. Please IU, show them who the real men are this afternoon. Send them back home to their stinky, square fortresses with their unattractive females and let them wallow in self-pity. Beat those Boilermakers!