Michigan State to the PROMISED LAND in 2013: ES Predictions The Enlightened Spartan: Michigan State to the PROMISED LAND in 2013: ES Predictions

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Michigan State to the PROMISED LAND in 2013: ES Predictions

What does the ES predict?  Sure, at best we can clean the slate and go to the PROMISED LAND.  At worst, the Big Green will still be a Touchdown Machine in 2011.  Many are predicting it could be the Doctor's best team... but with the toughest schedule.  It is TOUGH to predict as many last minute wins as last year, or as my buddy Paul says, I can predict the 2011 Spartans will be  "Probably the Greatest Team in the History of Football."  Of course, to help its cause, MSU has joined the list of woosies, like Michigan, who are scheduling DOWN for a guarantee win to secure bowl eligibility (Appalachian State withstanding).  Youngstown State tops the schedule.  Harumph.  If it was the greatest team ever, would we need to schedule YSU, or should we instead schedule top tiered BCS-conference teams?  Regardless of our status, the ES thinks the latter... schedule up, take our lumps, and DOMINATE.  You don't know until you try.

That said, let's predict the '11 slate...
  • 9/2. Youngstown State.  MSU 52-10. YSU graduated the cheatin' sweater to OSU, and YSU has never been the same since; they are clean, but stink. YSU wuz 3-8 last year.  MSU 1-0.
  • 9/10. Florida Atlantic.  MSU 37-17. Who scheduled this matchup? It's been ugly: a torrential downpour and 250 yards out of Ringer in '09, a 3/4 empty stadium in Detroit in '10, and... a four-sack effort out of Worthy in '11. MSU 2-0.
  • 9/17.  at Notre Dame.  MSU 29-28.  With no time remaining on the clock, Dantonio pulls the Hook-and-Lateral: Cousins-to-Cunningham-to a trailing-Baker. And, instead of the XP, Sparty goes for two, and runs the Statue of Liberty with LeVeon Bell for the conversion and win.  ND coach Kelly says, "Holy Shamrocks!  I seen this before!" Fools gold, MSU wins. MSU 3-0.
  • 9/14. CMU. MSU 38-14.  This ain't your Kelly or Davis Chips.  This is your Enos Chips.  These guys are a question mark in 2011: but, if it takes a penalty on a last second 4th-down touchdown pass, a botched onsides kick, and another penalty to recoup from a missed FG as time expires... on the best team you ever had... well, should be no problem this year. Since that debacle in 2009, MSU is up, and CMU is down.  Would be nice to be a good game, but it won't.  MSU 4-0.
  • 10/1.  at Ohio State.  MSU 27-21. Tressell returns, only to show up in the locker room, carrying $100 bills and shoving them down the pants of the players.  "Hey coach, we're running out onto the field! Pay us later!" "No worries, it's all about values -- go WIN and keep the greenbacks."  The Buckeyes will turn green, from the Spartan Touchdown Machine and Edwin Baker, who amasses 150 yards and a pair of TDs on the ground.  MSU 5-0.
  • 10/15. MICHIGAN.   MSU 34-28.  A battle between the Peanut Barrel and the Blimpy Burger ensues. Todd Blackledge is judge.  The Blimps throw one of their 2.1 billion combinations at Todd, the Barrel throws one of their 8 combinations at Todd -- and, like any scientist, figures out that simpler IS better (remember, E=mc2)?  The Barrel, Todd, and Spartans win in resounding fashion (despite a late throw away-TD for scUM).  MSU 6-0.
  • 10/22. WISCONSIN.  UW 31-24.   The longest Spartan winning streak at home (11 games through 10/15) since the era of Bubba Smith comes to a close with a Badger retribution from last year.  The ES is no fan of the stinking Badgers and Bielema, but MSU can't win at home forever...  MSU 6-1.
  • 10/29. at Nebraska.  MSU 29-27.  Dan Conroy for President:  he kicks five field goals, including the game winner as time expires.  Welcome to the Big Ten, Corn Men.  MSU 7-1.
  • 11/5.  MINNESOTA. MSU 37-24.  Minnesota limps into Spartan Stadium, with new coach Jerry Kill announcing that both it and Indiana will leave the Big Ten and instead join North Dakota and South Dakota in the Great West Conference.  The Big Ten will return to 10, the planets will align, and the world of sports will sing in harmony.  MSU 8-1.
  • 11/12.  at Iowa.  MSU 23-21. Local residents learn in horror as KFC announces it has fried up Iowa's ugly duckling mascot.  Pieces of polyester and cotton are found in over 100 chicken baskets across Iowa City.  Upon questioning, it is learned the local franchise owner is a Spartan loyalist.  MSU 9-1.
  • 11/19. INDIANA.  MSU 42-17. New Indiana head coach Kevin Wilson, noting his team's 0-10 start, announces just prior to the Spartan game that, it won't join Minnesota in the Great West Conference.  Instead it is moving to Division II, and joining the Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (GLIAC).  MSU 10-1.
  • 11/26.  at Northwestern.  NW 72-66.   The highest scoring game in modern history comes to a close in sub-zero temperatures in suburban Chicago.  Persa throws for 700 yards, Cousins for 600, and the game lasts for six hours, and 5 OTs.  Persa gets the better of Cousins, but doesn't spoil Sparty's trip to the Big Ten title game, as it wins the Legends Division with a 6-2/4-1 mark.  MSU 10-2.
  • 12/3.  vs. Wisconsin, Big Ten Title Game.  MSU 24-23.  Captain Kirk leads a last second drive to score a TD and take the Big Ten crow, with Sparty defeating Wisky when it really matters, at the Big Ten championship...  As Freddy Kreuger would say... "What a RUSH!"  MSU 11-2
OK, so there you have it, 11-2/6-2/4-1 record.  On paper, Michigan State should be as good as any team in the conference.  Maybe they beat Northwestern but lose at Nebraska; Maybe they lose to Wisconsin, Ohio State, Nebraska, and Iowa.  OK.  But, the ES hopes he is wrong, and that the Big Green can win their entire slate at home  for a second consecutive year, especially with wins at Nebraska and Ohio State.  The NW game is tricky, that team has really spellbound the Spartans in recent years.  But, a shoot-out seems realistic.  The ES will take 11-2... but 13-0 seems a whole lot more fun.  And, just making it to the Big Ten title game would be FANTASTIC. 

See you in Spartan Stadium on Friday evening.  Go SPARTANS!