Thursday, November 29, 2018

Michigan State Declines Bowl in Advance of Invite

Spartans' Players-Only Meeting to Say "No" to Bowl

(East Lansing, MI. November 29, 2018.)——Earlier today, the 7-5 Michigan State football team held a closed-doors, players-only meeting to discuss the season and the eventual bowl selection.  And, the outcome was surprising: the Spartans will decline an offer to participate in any bowl appearance.  The last team with a winning record to do so was 18th-ranked Notre Dame in 1996.

Joe Bachie spilled no words saying "NO BOWL"
to coach Dantonio
“We don’t deserve to go to a bowl,” junior co-captain LB Joe Bachie reportedly told head coach Mark Dantonio.  Bachie later told the ES: “As a team, we voted.  I told coach - Your leadership in calling out the fans for being pissed (sic), your defense of the poor play calling by coach (offensive coordinator Dave) Warner, and the complete ineptitude of the offense convinced us.  As a team, we want to spare the country, and especially the Spartan Nation, of us getting our butt kicked.”

Bachie was referring to the past three contests, in which Michigan State’s defense seemingly played well, while the offense continued to struggle against the poorest teams in the Big Ten, namely Nebraska and Rutgers.  

“I take full responsibility for the poor offensive execution this year,” said injured QB Brian Lewerke, whose performance in passing percentage (162-299, 54%) and TD-INT ratio (8 TD-10 INT) was the worst statistically for any Big Ten quarterback starting four (4) or more games this season.  Similarly, freshman QB Rocky Lombardi stated, “if I can’t move the ball and can’t make the completions - it’s on me.  It’s my fault.”   

Although specifics of the meeting were not made available, what is known is a vote to go to a bowl  among the 125 players on the roster, ended with a 123-2 vote:  the only two votes to accept any bowl bid were from Lewerke and Lombardi.  Asked to explain what this meant, the quarterbacks said, in tandem, “it’s our fault.”  Lewerke then added: “We know we were ostracized for our performance, but we still want to go to Florida, or Nashville, or even Detroit.”

Thank God!
The meeting occurred today off-campus at the People’s Interdenominational Church in East Lansing… where the team met the local pastor in hope of receiving some support.  Khari Willis, the senior co-captain and safety, said “we went to church today for some type of leadership from someone, the Lord above, since we have none in the Duffy (Daugherty Football Complex).”  

Willis, who was elegant in representing Michigan State with his speech at the 2018 Big Ten media day before the season, went further to articulate the team’s frustrations with the coaching staff: “We have Ohio State on the ropes in the 4th quarter, and we use freshman backups to run a motion or jet sweep or whatever in our own end zone and fumble… after giving up a safety?  And at Nebraska, with 22-mile-an-hour winds, 11-degree windchill in a blizzard, we give up on the running game for our backup to throw in the 4th quarter - it was cold and windy, man!  No wonder my boys dropped passes, I can’t blame ‘em!  And, against Rutgers - that offense was pathetic, man, couldn’t do anything right.  So, again, throwing the ball in a driving rain storm with the wind picking up? Why not  run? Surprised we won.  

“As a team, we just don’t understand the direction.  As long as coach Warner is going to coach a bowl and with Coach D defending all this stuff… we decided, why let the world bother to watch us get our butts kicked? Let’s enjoy the holidays instead.” 

Bachie noted, “We’re kind of fed up.  We have the best defense in the country, and, yeah it’s a team game.  But the lack of leadership from the coaching staff has not put us in the best position to make plays to win, time after time, and that deflates our confidence.  And, the poor execution hasn’t helped. Coaches should know that. After the big Penn State win, I don’t know what happened.  It’s confusing to all of us.”

Michigan State’s fate is left in the hands of individual bowl committees, and at this time, it is projected the Spartans will play in the Outback Bowl against an SEC foe (LSU or Texas A&M) (CBS247sports) 

“Quite honestly, we said the only bowls that we should play in are the Cure Bowl or the First Responder Bowl.  It’s fitting,” he joked.  “Seriously, our offense might be lucky to move the ball against Duke, San Diego State, or Louisiana-Lafayette,” said Bachie.  “Playing the SEC, even Vanderbilt would kill us on New Years Day.  We agreed as a team, we would rather be home in one piece for Christmas this year.”  

Both Dantonio and Warner declined comment for this article.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

ES Preview: Incompetence hosts Irrelevance

Let's see how Dantonio's incompetence fares today against
the Sisters of the Poor. 

MSU Spartans (6-5, 4-4) vs Rutgers Scarlet Knights (1-10, 0-8)
November 24, 2018.  4 pm ET.
Spartan Stadium, East Lansing, MI
TV:  Fox

Weather:  45, cloudy, 10 mph winds

Sagarin Ratings:  MSU #26, Rutgers #127

Line:  MSU favored by 27 points.

Dantonio implemented this memo to
27 point favorites?  That's a laugh - my dead grandma could score more points than that incompetent coaching staff's leadership of the MSU offense.   Coach Dantonio blew it the last two games (Ohio State, Nebraska) with moronic, stupid playcalling.


Kat:  MSU 24, Rutgers 6 .
Pittsburgh Jack:  MSU 2, Rutgers 0.
Sloth:  Dantonio 1, Sloth 0.
Doc:  Since everyone has given up on team Sparty, they will run the ball down the throat of the Scarlet Knights. This will make play calling easy, as everything will work, including the wildcat. Then the OC job will be safe, giving us poor play calling when we are challenged next year. 38 - 10 Sparty. It was tempting to call it 4 - 3 for Sparty, but my sarcasm hasn't reached that level.
Chef Tom: The Spartans will show up at the wrong stadium and lose by forfeit.
Big Joe and Phantom 309: Will not be attending final score incompetents 14-worthless 6 defense scores both the incompetent touchdowns

ES Sez:  MSU 11, Rutgers 4

Thursday, November 22, 2018

From Matt Stafford: You are welcome, Detroit!

Santa couldn't top my performance, but he's a good guy.
Dear Lions Fans:

This Thanksgiving, I write this letter to give you warm wishes as you give thanks to your friends and family on a traditional football day in Detroit.  And, I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to witness my performance today against the Chicago Bears, and from that performance, providing you my true value for the $57.5 million in compensation I earned in the past year.

Each year, Detroit's Thanksgiving begins with a beautiful parade of plastic balloons featuring cheap cartoon characters, reminding me of my Georgia college days with good ole' Chik-fil-A promotions, all in sub-zero temperatures and howling wind in front of a few hundred people.  The mayor called me on Monday to say he would have given me the key to the city, but as I was busy preparing for the annual loss, he instead chose another giving recipient from a freezing clime with a winning record: Santa Claus.

On this day, fans pour into downtown Detroit to watch our Lions, coming into downtown with free parking on the streets in front of bars with $5 beers.  The teeth-less homeless heat their dinners on top of grates spewing steam, the view of prisoners pounding on the glass in the downtown jail, the aura of skyscrapers thrice rebuilt to meet modern economic needs, it all makes for a breathtaking experience.  A few smart Michiganders lock their cars for fear of an unexpected donation to the homeless... yet no other major American city can provide such classic experiences.

I love my city, Detroit!  
Santa, Mayor Duggan, the jail, people of Detroit... it all fueled my inspiration to provide you with your annual expectations on this special day.  I thought of all of these traditions as I stepped onto the gridiron to face the Chicago Bears.  A sold out Ford Field, with decibels well above 100 throughout the game, gave me the will to respond to the needs of the people of Michigan.  Your Lions, providing loss after loss for years on Thanksgiving?  Well, I could not disappoint - not today, of all days.  This is YOUR tradition, after all.

With a tied game... I felt the need to make the key play to keep tradition in order.  An interception would be the right thing to do, but I timed it perfect for a pick-six touchdown to give Chicago the lead!  Thinking that I needed my performance to be a success, on that throw I looked directly at the safety from the Bears to insure he would catch my pass in stride.  I gave this to gift to you, Lions faithful!

But, as would be any gallant warrior, I would not let my Lions disappoint YOU in pure Thanksgiving fashion.  One final drive down the field, and I felt a final, targeted, interception would seal the deal.  Perfect, I hope it made your day!  So, as you go home, and eat your mashed potatoes and smother your turkey with gravy, I invite you to watch that other team play in the NFL with their traditional win on Thanksgiving:  the Dallas Cowboys.

People of Detroit, people of Michigan, thank you for your confidence in me to have a place in your annual ritual.  I tried hard to please you, and I am glad I performed to your expectations.

You are welcome!  Gobble, gobble.

Matthew Stafford

Saturday, November 17, 2018

ES Preview: Rocky at Corn

Michigan State Spartans (6-4, 4-3) at Nebraska (3-7, 2-5)
November 17, 2018.  12 Noon ET

Memorial Stadium, Lincoln, NE
TV:  Fox
Weather:  29, cloudy, with 23 mph winds.  Nipply cold!

LineMSU favored by 1-1/2 . No longer!  Nebraska now favored by 1

Sagarin Ratings:  MSU #21, Nebraska #61

I hate corn.  If we don't beat the Corn, we a-gonna go to the Toilet Bowl.  By the way, Lincoln, Nebraska sucks for a town.


Kate:  MSU 10-7
Big Bob:  MSU 2-0.
RGM3:  MSU 14-10. An absolute barn burner.
CHock:  Nebraska 35-31.
Australia Paul:   MSU 45-0.
Big Joe and Phantom 309:  MSU 24, Cornfuckers 10.
Sloth:  Nepotism 42, Sloth 0.
Kelly: MSU 17-14...two TDS scored by our defense and one field goal that Nebraska kicks in the wrong end zone
Chef Tom: Even, pick-em

ES sez:  Rocky 21, Corn 20.

Sunday, November 11, 2018


Moron.  Absolute moron. Dipshit. 

Dave Warner is the worst offensive coordinator in the nation.  In college football history.  His playcalling is dogshit.   Let me explain -

Against Ohio State, MSU took a safety intentionally because they were backed up to the 1 yard line with a fourth-string punter.  While it gave a free two points to Ohio State, the ES agreed with the decision at the time and it was only 9-6 in the fourth quarter.

But then, this is where there is NO EXCUSE.  Jesus, it's hard for me to type this, I am so fuming pissed off.  This was the last straw.  MSU again was backed up to the one yard line.  Why on earth would you run a jet sweep or a direct snap to a guy in motion - to #13, who we've never even heard of.  With your backup quarterback (who should now be the starter), Rocky Lombardi.  That was the STUPIDEST PLAY I've ever seen.  At least just fall forward for a few yards and get some room.  To even think about calling that play is stupid.  What an INCOMPETENT OAF.

Of course, snap gets fucked up and Ohio State falls on the fumbled pigskin for a freebie TD.  Let me regurgitate my breakfast.

Why?  Why?  Good God, why????   Hey, here's an idea, from Coaching 101 for Babies:  KEEP IT SIMPLE when backed up to your own endzone.  At the very least, take ANOTHER safety to flip the field position.

The play was just mind-blowingly stupid.  And, if Dantonio can chime in call or not call certain plays, WHY IN THE HELL would he allow that play to even be called?  It defies logic.

Then after pulling Lewerke for Rocky (Lewerke should have never played)... Dantonio puts Lewerke back in?  WHY, GOOD LORD, WHY?

How many times did MSU run the ball off tackle.  3 times in the whole game?  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON????!!!!!  Stop this bullshit.

Worst coaching job of Dantonio's career.  Total choke job.  It's embarrassing.

Stop being so FUCKING LOYAL, Dantonio, and FIRE HIS ASS or get outta town.  Dummy.

FIRE DAVE WARNER NOW.  He is garbage. 

Friday, November 09, 2018

ES Preview: Spartans host Oscar Meyer Wieners

#18 Michigan State Spartans vs #10 Ohio State Wieners
November 10, 2018.  12 noon.
Spartan Stadium, East Lansing, MI

Weather:  34 cloudy, 16 mph wind.  Cccccolder than a ticket taker's smile at the Ivar Theater on a Saturday night.  15 wind chill.

Line:  Wieners by 3-1/2

Sagarin Ratings:  MSU #16, OSU #6

I hate the dude with the fake heart attack and consistent lies to the media, to parents, to everyone.  All the Buckeyes care about is: Just win, baby.  Meyer is a Good coach, Bad person, Terrible liar.  Not good for the B1G Ten, or for college football.  He is an embarrassment, and the only reason the Buckeye Nation keeps him around is one reason:  WIN.  Not education, not athlete welfare, not caring.  WIN. I hope we freeze his ass tomorrow.


Kat:  MSU 27, Fuckeyes 20.
CHock:  OSU 28-17
Chef Tom: MSU holds on to win by 4.
Sloth: NyQuil 2, Sloth 0.
GVSU Gregger:  OSU 24-17.
Big Joe and Phantom 309: OSU 35-21
Australian Paul:  MSU 45-0.
RGM3: MSU 17-14. Weather report: Colder than a ticket taker's smile At the Ivar Theatre, on a Saturday night.
Zech: Lewerke starts and goes all the way, 37-13 osu. Lewerke/Lombardi combo, osu 37-20. Lombardi starts, MSU 23-20

ES sez:  MSU 22, OSU 21.  Oscar Meyer chokes on a hot dog when trying to call timeout as his team defends a successful MSU fake extra point while time runs out.  Spartan victory, second fake heart attack ensues.

PS - thanks to the Enlightened Spartan fans who recognized the ES and hung out in the wind storm and empty stadium at "College Park".  Woop woop!

Thanks for joining the ES and Kat!!!

Friday, November 02, 2018

ES Preview: MSU at the Coachless Terps

Nothing like a Mercedes hood on a Geo Metro. 
Welcome to Maryland, folks

This is College Park, MD.  The ES is in the middle of a firestorm, here in our nation's capitol, as the football coach for the University of Maryland gets sacked for intimidation and inappropriate behavior toward the players.  I just harken back to my visit at Maryland a few years back.  I've returned, and God help me.

Michigan State Spartans (5-3, 3-2) at Maryland Terrapins (5-3, 3-2)
Time and Tube:  Noon/ESPN2
Capitol One Field at Maryland Stadium
Weather:  54 degrees, sunny, 14 mph winds

Line from Vegas:  Big Green by 2-1/2

Sagarin Ratings: MSU #26, Maryland #49

So, who's a-gonna win?

ES' handywork in DC, graffiti-wall painting the night before
the big game....


Kat:  MSU 21-7
Big Bob:  MSU 21-17
John Tull:  MSU 34-31
RGM3:  MSU 28-17
Big Joe and Phantom 309: Rocky 35, Turtle Soup 21
Australia Paul:  MSU 45-0
CHock:  MSU 31-17

ES sez:  MSU 28-14